I am full of burrito and curiosity
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
