Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
