i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
