So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
