I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
