There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
