I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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