Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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