The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
