Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
