# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
