i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
