I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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