Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Hippo gnu deer
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
