FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
