I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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