Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
