Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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