Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
