I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
