Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
