Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
