Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
