I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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