My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
