I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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