life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
