Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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