i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
