would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
