how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
