Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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