my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
