u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
