I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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