Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
