3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
