I wish I only lived at night.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
