also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I have fence marks all over my body
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
