I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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