I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
