He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
