Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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