Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.