You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
