He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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