Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
