Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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