u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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