i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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