its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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