sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
