Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
