On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
