We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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