Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
