apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
