The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
this boner is exhausting
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
