saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
