my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
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I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
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Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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