Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
be right there i have to get my cape
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
