Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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