how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
